Old Fashioned

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So I'm beginning to think that maybe I was just born in the wrong time period.  Actually, I'm quite sure of it.  What I'm not yet sure of is what to do about this little mix-up.

The boys are starting to read, so I've been searching for some learn to read books that they can be working on reading on their own.  We have a few early readers, but the problem is that once we read a simple book to them one time they are able to memorize the damn thing word for word thus rendering it quite useless for real "reading".  We needed some new material.

So, here I am at Barnes and Noble.  I grab a grande white mocha and settle in on the floor in front of the shelves of early readers.  Here is what I find:

In a Scary Old House- a Level 1 reader:
Deep in the forest along a scary old path was a scary old house.  Inside the door of a scary old house was a scary old staircase.  Up the scary old staircase of the scary old house was a scary old room.
I stopped here, but you get the picture.  Now I know the boys are young to be learning how to read.  But most kids start learning to read around the age of five.  Five.  The wonderful age where imagination and creativity collide with a child's cognitive inability to separate fantasy from reality.  The wonderful age of monsters under the bed and nightmares that disturb the sleep of the entire family.  I'm pretty sure that whoever wrote this wonderful tidbit of beginning literacy doesn't have his or her own children. I put it back on the shelf.  Our boys have no notion of our house, or any house, being scary.  They find home to be a warm, welcoming, comforting place.  I'd like to keep it that way.

My next selection is Star Wars The Clone Wars:  Don't Wake the Zillo Beast!  A "Learning to Read Pre-Level 1" book:
Watch your step!  Some creatures are friendly.  Others creatures are dangerous.  Look at this enormous Zillo beast.  He has very sharp teeth.  Look at these hungry gutkurrs.  They have spikes on their backs.  Look at this kwazel maw (pronounced kway-zell mor!).  Look at this massive aiwhah.
Seriously?  You've got to be kidding me!  Aside from the pictures of terrifyingly realistic space monsters (insert endless night terrors here), what book meant for a five year old really opens with Be careful- some creatures are friendly but others might kill you in your sleep?!  And are these really beginning to read words?  Creature?  Dangerous?  Enormous?  Massive?  I'm also quite certain that when teaching a young child to read (whatever the child's age may be)- using fake, made up words that do not follow the basic rules of the English language may not be the right approach.  Just a thought.  Since I'm not really sure how to explain why kwazel mah is pronounced "kway-zell mor" (because to be honest I've got no frickin' idea why)- I put this back on the shelf too.  By this point I am becoming quite discouraged, not only by the wholly inappropriate content in these books meant for young, impressionable, emotionally vulnerable children, but also because I am afraid for the future of American education if this is what publishers are presenting as "learn to read" material.

I picked up another Star Wars Level 1 book that introduced me to more "dangerous" and "not friendly" characters with ridiculous names that even the most avid reader would have trouble pronouncing.  Then another Level 1 book on the Avengers fighting bad guys and enemies.  Whoever is writing these things clearly has no understanding of basic literacy skills and even less of an understanding of basic child psychology. Say what you will-  I'm going to wait to introduce my children to the concept of dangerous people until they have the cognitive and emotional capacity to process such information appropriately. You can call me a lame, over-protective, helicopter mom.  I call it responsible parenting.

But then, then I saw a glimmer of hope.  Tucked in the very corner of the bottom shelf, there sat two beautiful, glorious books.  Dick and Jane.  The classic 1950's early readers.  Here, Spot.  Here, Spot.  Look here.  Jump, Spot!  Jump, jump!  Oh Spot!   Oh the pure beauty!!  Simple.  Repetitive.  Will not provoke six years of intensive therapy.  Its genius- true genius!  As I take these two beautiful books to the counter, I find myself realizing that I really must have been born in the wrong era.  While the boys sit down with their new early readers and work on the basic rules of phonics that will actually help them learn to read, I think I'm going to have to sit down and put a little more thought into how we're going to raise our boys in the year 2013 when its become quite clear to me that we should really be transported back to the 1950's.  Because you can keep your kwazel maw's and your emotionally misguided teenagers and mass murderers.  We're gonna sit down with a glass of milk and some good old fashioned Dick and Jane.  And somehow figure out where to go from there.