iPotty: Piss-poor Parenting at its Finest!

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While I had the true pleasure of finding this little gem of modern technology about a week ago, I had to sit on it awhile before being able to write about it.  I was so angry/disgusted/mortified that I couldn't put my thoughts into words!  In case you haven't seen what I'm talking about, here it is- the iPotty unveiled by CTA Digital at the 2013 Consumer Electronics Show.  Yes, I said iPotty.  And it is exactly what you are thinking it is.  A plastic potty training seat with an iPad attachment.  I am almost speechless again.

But let's start here.  Clearly not a single person involved in the design of this thing has ever potty trained a child, much less a 3 year old boy.  I would like for you to think, for a brief moment, of your own husband's ability to get a pee stream the thickness of a sewing needle into a toilet bowl the size of a medium fish tank.  I've yet to meet a man who is 100% capable of this.  And they've been practicing for decades.  Now imagine a 3 year old boy who has just discovered his weapon of mass destruction.  I don't know about yours, but my boys reveled in learning how high or how far across the living room they could shoot their stream while sitting on their little plastic potties.  For crying out loud- my kids can pee on their own heads!  And imagine their delight when one managed to pee on his brother or the day they both happened to hit the poor unsuspecting dog.  I don't care if you put my iPad in Neil Armstrong's space suit- its not going anywhere near my children while they are trying to pee.

And now to move from practical matters to the larger ideological picture.  This company is actually marketing this modern marvel as a way to distract your child from the tortures of potty training (ok- I'm pretty sure they didn't use the word tortures but let's face it, its an accurate descriptor).  Even without a doctoral degree in child development, it should be obvious to just about anyone that learning to use the potty is the single most difficult task a child will be faced with at that point in their young lives.  If this is not obvious to you, maybe you should have thought twice before having said child.  For a toddler, potty training signifies their first real act of independence, of being in control of one's own body- and of one's own needs and wants.  This is, after all, the most monumental task of being a child- to become an individual separate from one's mother who is able to function in the world.  I could go on and on about the psychology of this task, but let's just agree that it is extremely complicated.  So imagine this- you are at work when your boss walks into your office and gives you the most difficult assignment you have ever been faced with.  The ramifications of your performance could be life altering.  You will lose much sleep over this assignment.  You will skip meals or at the very least replace them with entire pints of Ben & Jerry's ice cream.  You will call your best friend, your spouse, your mother (or all three in succession) to cry about how difficult this task is making your life and how you have no idea how you will accomplish it.  Now imagine that every time you sit down to get to work on this assignment, I stick a distraction in your face.  Maybe its your favorite video game or the website for that all inclusive Jamacian vacation you've been dreaming about.  How on this great Earth are you expected to focus on that most important assignment and complete it successfully?  You get my point. 

Now don't get me wrong, there have been a handful of times that I have distracted myself while going to the bathroom.  I have not necessarily distracted myself from the task of going to the bathroom, but from what is outside the bathroom door.  As a mother of young twins, any time I can sit on the toilet with the door closed and my children on the OTHER side of it is pure joy for me.  I'd love to sit there in my rare moment of peace and quiet and play a quick game of Fruit Ninja.  I admit I have done it once or twice, although more often than not when this rarity occurs and I have managed to lock myself in the bathroom alone- I am usually burying my head in my hands and crying because I know I must walk out at some point in the near future.  But this is a pleasure that should be reserved for grown-ups.  Grown-ups who have mastered the monumental task of using the bathroom.  Mothers in particular.  Every mother should be allowed to enjoy a peaceful moment of slicing open a giant watermelon while peeing.  And when our children become parents, they will be allowed into this elite club.  But they are not parents yet, they are toddlers.  And WE are the parents.  We are supposed to be helping them in every positive way possible learn to use the potty.  We are supposed to help them recognize the feeling of needing to go potty, the feeling of going potty- of hearing the splash and splat that signifies success- and the feeling of pride that follows.  It requires attention- both the child's and yours.  It requires your attention because it is your job to teach your child how to master this giant leap of independence. If you did not realize that this was in your job description as a parent, or if you did not realize how extremely difficult this job would be- maybe you're not cut out to be a parent.  Potty training requires your full attention because your full attention tells your child that you love them, that you care about them, and that you will be right by their side no matter what tough things they will face in life.  It shows them that you believe in them and in their ability to accomplish anything, that you want to help them with their struggles and be there to share in the joys of their successes. 

It frightens me to think about what these children are going to be like when they grow up- these children whose parents can't take the time to potty train them.  Whose parents stuff a screen in their faces in the lobby of a doctors office, while waiting for their food at a restaurant, while driving 10 minutes to get to the store.  These kids are missing valuable opportunities to learn to wait, to converse with other human beings, to entertain themselves, to look out the window and see the world around them.  They are missing the valuable lesson that the worthwhile things in life are worth working for.  Life is hard.  Parenting is hard.  Potty training is hard.  I potty trained twin boys at the same time- you don't have to tell me how hard it is.  But I'd do it over again, the old fashioned way, any time any place.  Although these giant companies may succeed in corrupting the moral fiber of America, they're not going to corrupt MY moral fiber to make themselves another dollar.  And I hope they're not going to corrupt yours either.  My final words- the iPotty is a piss-poor idea.  Pun intended.  Have a great day!