Nap Wars

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So I'm thinking this might be the reality show our friends and family keep talking about.  They've already got Storage Wars, Property Wars, Craft Wars and all sorts of other ridiculousness.  I'm thinking Nap Wars just might be the next big thing.

Here's how it would go:  In a battle of wills, in a struggle for sanity, mother and twin toddlers go head to head in a knock down, drag out fight- the historic yet never ending battle of the (que dramatic music) afternoon nap.

I was all ready for the fight of my life today.  I was armed and dangerous, a brave mommy warrior ready to defend to its death the loss of my afternoon peace and quiet.  The boys woke up at 6:40am.  But I was already one cup of coffee ahead of them.  I had gotten up at 6:00 to ensure the first victory was mine.  After breakfast, I busted out my big gun.  We got dressed, loaded into the car and headed to Greenfield Village.  Sans stroller.  Yup, the little buggers were gonna walk the whole place and I'll be damned if they weren't going to get tired doing so.  By 11:00am, my plan was working and I walked back the car with two tired and crabby little boys.  At home we had a quick and quiet lunch, then I brought out the rest of my arsenal.  All the shades were drawn, all the lights were off, and I spoke only in a whisper.  I warmed the boys milk, added a tiny dash of cinnamon, and they sat in their bedroom listening to me read quietly while sipping their warm milk.  I chose the calmest of bedtime stories and read in a whisper with the lights dim.  At one point, Caleb even set down his milk and lay his head on the floor.  I have to admit, I got a little cocky there and though for sure the victory would soon be mine.  So I quietly and calmly split them up, still talking in nothing but a soft whisper- Caleb was tucked in in the pack-n-play in our bedroom and Matthew tucked himself into his bed.  I was ready to bust out my final weapon- the end all, be all of sleepy time (well, for me anyways)- the back rub.

But here's the thing about my battle strategy.  By necessity, I must use a divide and conquer approach.  So I sat down next to Matthew to conquer his sweet little soul first.  I gently rubbed his back and quietly whispered the ABCs over and over and over and over again.  Unfortunately, my dear sweet Caleb had brought his own big guns to this battle.  While I was trying desperately to get Matt to fall asleep, Caleb was in the next room turning his pack-n-play into a Model T and "driving" it around the Village- "Look out for that horse poop!" he'd shout over and over again... "Eeeeew Matt!  We drove over the horse poop!  POOOOP!  PooooOOOP!" and then he'd burst into a fit of laughter over the word poop.  Why couldn't I have had girls?  Surely girls would not keep themselves awake over a pile of poop.  But apparently even imaginary poop could entertain boys to no end.  Of course this made it quite difficult for Matthew to give in to my stealth tactics.  Then the dog started barking.  Really?  Are you gonna fight me on this too?!  Because I've got a shock collar for you and I'm not afraid to use it!  But somehow, after about 15 minutes I was sure I had Matt down.  I quietly got up to go fight my next battle- the Model T driver covered in imaginary horse poop.  Not a chance.  I didn't even make it to the door before Matthew popped up, shouting "Look out for the horse poop mama!!  POOOOOOOP!  Horse POOOOP!" 

Oy vei.  Despite my very best fight- my hour and a half of long distance walking, my whispers and warm milk and back rubs- I had once again underestimated my opponents.  I'm quite certain their general is feeding them dozens of avocados and pots full of coffee every morning.  I once read that avocados are the single most energy packed food in existence.  Ok, so the avocados may be my fault.  But someone else has got to be fueling them up with straight black coffee- something a hell of a lot stronger than the stuff I'm drinking.  Because I just cannot win this fight!!!!

***In a comical update- I went to retrieve Matthew from the bathroom after he escaped from what as now turned into "quiet time" and I was once again overcome by the smell of Icy Hot.  The damn kid managed to find it again.  Thankfully I found him before he touched his eyes this time, or all hell would have really broken loose over this nap today!!